I'm off...

to get my emissions test so I can get my tag renewed BEFORE my birthday this year and maybe save a few bucks.....don't worry, I'll waste those few bucks someplace else ;-)
Then I'm going to Paul & Jenn's, she will be starting a new MS med and someone is coming this morning to show her how the shot works. This one she'll be able to do herself, it's like an epi-pen where it kinda works without her knowing it or seeing it.

Yesterday...

was a bad day...i felt like crap all day, it was like a very long pms day, and i am bleeding again...i get these twinges of pain that i call growing pains, i imagine my fibroids growing even larger :/ i wish i could say i'm feeling better this morning but can't.

GOING SHOPPING!!!!!

NOT :p

Horoscope - Virgo
Tuesday August 19, 2008
Thanks to fickle planetary influences you'll want to accumulate lots of money for the sole purpose of spending it, preferably on beautiful things! Luckily, money is favorably aspected today, so there should be nothing stopping you from taking a trip to the mall for a new outfit, but do stick to a budget!

I like Sylvia Browne but the horoscopes from her website are not on for me at all...the last week or so they all talked about love interests coming in, now money....not working!
So....Jenn & Paul are staying at the house in Alpharetta this week and Jenn got a ride to work yesterday morning and she dropped me off at home last night and took the car...a little scary but she's really being very cautious and she's on her way now, this is good practice for her but I'm a little scared...scared that someone may hit her in MY car and I really can't do without a car, and scared that by the end of the week she'll be more comfortable and be late picking me up and getting us to work on time :/ but it's all good and I'm really glad to be able to give her this time.
Had a really good night last night...Debra was home early and after watching Sylvia's webcast we watched tv in her room and then caught up on some missed shows. We've been missing eachother at home a lot lately with her schedule and my schoolwork and I've been falling asleep very early lately, so it was nice sharing the evening.
Well....that's all for now....

I quit quitting...

The cigarettes are back...for now...it just got too hard and I got too weak and caved :p I lasted 12 days this time...maybe next time will be longer.
The rest of the week was fair...got in trouble at work a few times, Ashley and I tend to butt heads from time-to-time. She is totally OCD and can't stand it when someone messes w/ her stuff, so what do I do??? That's right, I messed w/ her stuff! All with good intentions towards getting our work done efficiently but it still blew up...life goes on - and on - and on!!
Debra and I saw something on tv the other day that brought up the conversation to living to 100...I'll tell you what I told her....If I'm still around at 80, it won't be much longer!! I DO NOT WANT TO STICK AROUND THAT LONG!!!!
TTFN

I was weak tonight :/

had 1 cigarette....but it was gooood!!!

other than that doing okay...as usual, wondering where all the money goes...
not wanting to do homework...
been kinda restless the past 2 nights...
that's all for now....schlaf gut

Sunday

I've been feeling pretty crappy most of the day...emotionally as well as physically...I feel the mental turmoil lifting some. What turmoil you ask? I ask the same thing! Been smoke-free for 8 days now and still feel like shit. My next task is to lose 50 lbs (or more), but all I want to do eat! It started out as a substitute for sex, now I've added cigarette-deprivation to the mix and it's even worse! The funny thing is...I have not bled now for almost a month and finally feel like I could have sex but my self-esteem has crumpled to a tiny little pebble in the gutter, I don't even want to be seen in public. I am confident that things will get better after my surgery but it seems so far away, though it's really pretty close (09.09.08).

I'm just a crazy person, going thru a crazy time, in a crazy world

This says it all...

Friday...

was a pretty good day.
Went to the Dr for a stress test that wasn't as bad as thought it would be, just a lot of waiting (part of the stress?). Will have results mid-end next week. Got results of my bloodwork, hemoglobin at 14 (not anemic!), sugar a little high at 104 (?), thyroid's good, cholesterol high at 236 (he said we'll work on that after surgery, I agree!).
Got my homework done. Found out I will be doing MORE writing next quarter - essay & critical thinking :p
Hung out w/ the kids last night. Was concerned about smoking but I really didn't feel the NEED, thought about having one or just a drag but even that wasn't strong enough. So I remain smoke-free :)
I'm going thru some emotional changes that I don't know how to verbalize yet, though I really think I need to. Feeling old and neutered, like the joy I had in living has fizzled and now I'm just an observer w/ memories of the fun it was...she says as the tears roll down her face :/
Well, that's all I can handle for now...I will go take my position on the couch for the next few hours or so.....

Back to the Doctor....

Was supposed to be just a quick b/p check and refill my pills for another 6 months....yes, my b/p has been high even on the pills...and yes, my feet have been swelling a lot lately....and yes, I am having major surgery soon....so what does he do???? and simple little EKG, which has a little blip that may or may not be something....so back the Dr Friday afternoon for a Nuclear Medicine Stress Exam...where they will inject me w/ dye that will make my heart glow in the dark before i start the treadmill and after i collapse on the treadmill....all w/o eating or drinking anything for 6 hours prior (scheduled for 12:30p.m.)!!??

Other than that I'm pretty good I guess, still not smoking...yeah me ;)
Ignoring a new toothache.
Wondering why I'm bothering w/ OKcupid dating site....I've chatted w/ one guy a little, but i don't really have the energy to be all cute & perky ;p
I don't have homework...I'm heading for the TV and some vege-time....

no cares...no woes...FREEEEEEE

AAARRRGGGHHH

Withdrawals are hitting....I want a cigarette....but I DON'T want a cigarette more!!! Feeling a bit tense and uptight, ready to bite someones head off if they're not careful. I may just stay in my room tonight to keep Debra and Cedar safe!!

Now I have to do my stupid homework!! Recall a situation in which someone was trying to persuade you. How effective was the argument? What could have made the argument more persuasive?.....ha....I can't post it here or in class...and it didn't take much persuading!!!

And I wanted to add a pic to this and my @&#*&^ computer keeps freezing....

Okay...that's enough complaining for one night....till we meet again :)

OOPS...Missed Posting Yesterday :-o

It was pretty uneventful for a Monday. Was not on the computer at all last night...pretty crazy!! Just watched tv with Debra til midnight and went to bed...and up before 6 :-/ I WANT TO SLEEP-IN LIKE "NORMAL" PEOPLE!!!!!

K-kids back from their world tour...

I'm happy to say they didn't change as much as I thought they might. Mina's hair is a little lighter and skin a little darker but the same wonderful feisty girl that left her 2 months ago. Nikola is wanting to sit up on his own more and almost rolling over when laying on his back.

Tina, Mina, & Nikola were baptised and Tina & Ivan renewed their wedding vows in the family's church (Orthodox Christian). Their pics should be posted pretty soon too, I think I saw Ivan working on them when I left there today.

I've been really blah and very lethargic since yesterday...lack of nicotine? poor diet? had to stop new meds? or just lazy....take your pic. But no cigarettes since 11a.m. yesterday, would probably have one if I had them but the urge/desire isn't that strong, I just want one.

Okay...off to do homework....have a pleasant evening, everyone :)

They're home safe and sound!!!!

Tina finally called at 8:40 last night, they just walked in the door, the kids were fast asleep and they were exhausted! So I am now waiting for a call that they are up and about and I will grab my camera and go see my babies!!!!!

Yes...I'm depressed...

and being treated for it....but right now I'm down because i don't know what's happening w/ the K's...haven't heard from them, don't know what flight or airline they may be coming in on, who is picking them up at the airport or Marta...but i am happy that i was able to pick up a few things for them to snack on when they get home so they don't have to make any more stops....I'm sure they will be very tired.....

MY BABIES COME HOME TODAY!!!!!!

Yes, I'm a bit excited!!!!! And here is my Horoscope from Sylvia for today:

Horoscope - Virgo
Saturday August 02, 2008
Family and relationships will be what matters to you today as you will find the need to spend some quality time with your nearest and dearest. This could be because you don't get the praise you feel you deserve from elsewhere. Don't worry though, because your efforts will be recognized soon enough.

I don't know about the praise part, but it's probably true....will chat more later.....

I'm Tire of Writing!!!

My brain hurts from trying to come up with all this smart homework stuff all the time. Two classes of writing and how-to write :-p It's break time before I tackle the next one....

Horror-scope

This one's a bit scary....

Horoscope - Virgo
Friday August 01, 2008
You will probably feel sensitive but happy today. Usually you are fairly balanced when it comes to relationships, however, today your strong feelings of romance and your intentions towards a certain someone means that you'll be inclined to view the world through pink specs!

It's Done!!

I'm happy with the results and glad to be finished!! But I may start doing some squares of my own to work on during breaks at work.

I didn't take any cigs w/ me for break yesterday and was so antsy I helped my break-mate, Mike, finish off a box of whoppers! I only had 3 cigarettes from morning till I got home from work...then I got on the computer...4 more and 1/3 bag of baby carrots :P I left myself 6 for today...will let you know how that goes...

Not doing well...

with this crochet deadline! I just have a small section to finish and it needs to get in the mail asap but I'm having so much trouble getting it done!! I think because I'm bored with it...just a combo of single/double crochet....but I can do it and will do it.
Only had 11 cigs yesterday...but feeling weak this morning....we'll see....and I'm getting sleepy, been up since 5ish....

happy wednesday....

mp3-challenged :-o

I can never work these damn things!!!! It looks like it should be sooooo easy....but noooooo, not for suuuueeee :p :o #&(*&^% & %**()((

Other than this frustration that I've been fighting w/ instead of doing homework...and the fact that I had to wear my slippers to work because my feet were too swollen to put my shoes on (yes, i have a dr appt next wed), and i feel like general crap....i've had a pretty decent day....whose complaining?!

3 days to go....

MONDAY monday

first...my personality test on youniverse was right on!!

now...my monday was really okay...the worst part were the damn phones at work wouldn't stop ringing :o but brenda brought in a delicious homemade cherry/apple coffee cake, she's always baking something...yummmm

this is the first i've been on the computer this evening, so i'm going to get off now since i need some "down-time" before going to bed....schlaf gut all

2am Ramblings

* My therapist, Jan, said part of my problem getting to sleep at night was my computer use until all hours of the morning...with the computer being pure stimulation I was not getting any down-time before going to bed, so I agreed to be off the computer by 10:30pm and take about 1-1/2 hours relax-time before going to bed and have something w/ calcium after that time because though it's an old-wives-tale, it really has been proven to help with sleep, and I've been doing that...well, what do think the rule is about computer use after sleeping for 3-1/2 hrs??
* Smoking cessation - to ween or go cold turkey?? Weening drags it out, cold turkey scares me. I looked up cessation to be sure I spelled it right and found this definition under Merriam Webster: a temporary or final ceasing...temporary, hmmm, that's probably an "out" that I didn't need to think about!! (she says as she lights up another cigarette)
* Getting this donation-afghan done and in the mail to PA today (?) so the woman will have it in time for the sale on Saturday (pics will be posted)...and fighting my guilty conscience that it still haven't mom her package with washcloths I made for her (plus other stuff) months ago. She is much more important to me than some stranger, sick or not!!
* I'm probably not sleeping because of all the clutter in my room that's growing almost on a daily basis!! I actually started to attempt to clean it yesterday but got overwhelmed just looking at it and not knowing where to start, so didn't. I know, I know...little bits at a time until done...plug in a movie or book-on-tape as a distraction while I'm cleaning and before I know it I'll be done :p
* I'm really getting worried about Debra!! She's wasting away to nothing...she can't/won't eat because she has no appetite and when she does eat it either causes her paid or even more diarrhea than she already deals with, or both. The medicine and dr appts, though she has insurance, cost more time and money than she has to work with, let alone the emotional strain.
* And finally....I MISS THE KOZHUHAROV'S!!!! I've send cards and emails with no word back. I know they are all fine and having a great time, and I'm glad his family is getting so much time with them, but I WANT THEM BACK!!!!
...I think I've rambled enough now...I'm going to get a snack for my grumbling belly and go thru my email....thanks for listening xoxoxo

3 Weeks Done...

Just finished the last of my homework for week 3....wow, still seems unreal! I'm ready to get onto the meat of my classes though -

SHOW ME THE NUMBERS!!!

Not sleeping again :o

Could barely stay awake to the end of a movie, got into bed, mind racing and here I am...maybe I should take a xanax?? we'll see....

I'm Bored!!!

But too tired to move....

I've made the COMMITMENT..

to stop smoking!! I feel that my upcoming surgery is going to be hard enough on my body and this will not only help my healing process but help for the rest of my life. I will either stop or be stopped by my 52nd birthday, August 27th!! Dr Berne, one of the docs at work, has been teasing but serious that I need to stop and he has committed to helping me along the way with moral support. I'm sure all my family and friends will too!!??! I'm still working out the process, whether I'm going cold turkey or ween off but I will do this. I'm hoping the fact that I've only been smoking for about 10 years will be on my side and make it a little easier.

Beakman's World

It is so much fun watching these shows! Beakman, Josie and the Rat are entertaining and I love the way they interact and explain how things work. I also get to catch Reading Rainbow some weekday mornings...brings back memories of watching it w/ the girls.

I just wrote this like I would write a school paper....yikes!!!!!

I AM LOVED!!

No matter how down and depressed I get, I know that I am loved unconditionally and count my blessings!! Not that I believe I deserve it...Lord knows with what I put my family and friends thru, past and present, I could be disowned and kicked to the curb many times...I'm just very very lucky that way!!

I truly love y'all too and thank you for putting up w/ me!! XOXOXO

Happy Friday!!

Good Thursday!

Had a good day today...slept well last night except for getting up 5 times to pee :p I took a water pill late in the evening because my feet and hands were so swollen and uncomfortable. But I was able to get back to sleep each time and felt rested this morning. I believe it has a lot to do with some closure and a light at the end of the tunnel.
I promised Therapist Jan that I would be off the computer at 10:30pm and I'm late. Homework time got delayed, but now I'm getting off and will sit and relax w/ some tv and crocheting.

Sweet Dreams to all......

Dr Day

Jenn's gyno appt went well but dr D hurt her :( He too deeper cells and a biopy from her cervix to get a more accurate detailed report. He pretty confident that the results (ready in a week) will be good, but of course wants to take all precautions. She likes him and is very confident in his ability, as I am gaining the same confidence in him.
My therapy session went well...a bit on the boring side, which isn't so bad sometimes! She feels some of my sleeping problems are that I'm on the computer too much at night, so I have agreed (VERY RELUCTANTLY) to turn it off at 10:30pm, which would be about 1-1/2 hours before bedtime, and have something w/ calcium in the evening, that this also help promote sleep...we'll see how this goes.
We were than back at dr D's for my. The vaginal ultra-sound showed that my uterus is twice the size it should be, and I have 3 fairly large fibroid tumors (3, 6, & 7 mm), the largest is the size my uterus should be :-o Since we have already exhausted all other options, a hysterectomy is the best treatment. Apparently fibroids are a hard rock-like mass which could be a problem trying to do it vaginally. He will try, it could work since I had such large babies vaginally, but may wind up needing to go thru the abdomen. Recovery time for both is 4-6 wks, with the vaginal more towards 4. Now its a waiting game and trying to figure out when to do it.
I will keep you posted!!

I am a slow learner in LIFE

Sylvia's Daily Message:

Learn to balance your life’s responsibilities. Your world is full of work, home and personal things you must manage. Discover a healthy balance and be grateful for an active life.

Balance...I've always been off...I take on too much or not enough...right now I'm at the too much stage and it's affecting my work and it scares me...part of my too much is taking care of my physical/emotional health, it needs to be done but it's too time consuming...I so badly want to take a month off and take care of everything at once...but that's not realistic....REALITY BITES!!
I have 3 dr appts today and one for Jenn...will let you know what happens.

Having trouble w/ assignment :-o

Business Communication - comparing the differences between interpersonal and business communication with effect of audience, tone, purpose, and content! With specific examples!!???
I got thru the reading while eating my reheated Publix hamburger (which was really quite tasty) - I took a break and took Cedar for a walk - and so far I've only been able to come up with 40 of my 200-300 words needed, and no examples....examples, that should get my word-count up....but I haven't touched on the "interpersonal" aspect yet....
I have until 3am EST to turn it in...maybe a movie and some crocheting will give it all time to roll around my brain a while before finding the right spot w/ the right words....thanks for letting me "talk" it out....as if you had a say - lol ;)

Better Day than Yesterday!

At least there were no tears...but I still didn't sleep worth a flip :/ I think I'm going to take 1/2 a Xanax tonight....
That's really all I have for now...probably more later...off to do homework than crochet while watching tv :)

Frustrated

I couldn't stay awake watching tv last night so Debra gave me one of her sleeping pills in hopes that I would sleep thru the night and went to bed around 10...here it is 2am and too much going thru my head to sleep - a new crochet project that's a donation to raise money for a sick child, school work, MY work, my craft mess and clutter that's all over the living room, my all over my bedroom (including the 1/2 of my bed that I'm not sleeping on) and bathroom, the car pmt that hasn't been made yet because I'm afraid to look at my bank balance, Debra's health and all the weight she continues to loose - the list can go on if I think about it any more...
On a good note, Jenn drove home from work yesterday and she's doing great...her driving test is Aug 16th....
Now I will see what homework I have due tonight...

Sucky Day :p

Not sleeping...so tired at work had to take an early lunch for a nap...then get called into the office because my performance is not up to par...I'm a "valuable employee and don't want to loose me"...if i don't get better physically and emotionally really soon there could be trouble!!!

Good Morning....

Need to make it a good morning...I WILL get in the shower and it will feel good...for some reason I just don't like getting my whole body wet, been taking a lot of whore-baths instead...

LETS MAKE IT A GOOD DAY!!!

What is my world coming to?????

During my break I glued a tile to a frame (pic to come later), walked Cedar, and baked a pear bread...from scratch!! w/ pears from Tina's tree...Armageddan is near.........
I finally got my work done...hope it's worth 50 points!!?? Don't have much school work scheduled for this week, but i'm afraid they may be harder lessons...nothing is due tomorrow (today), so i will try to preview and get started....yeah, right....
Good Night & Schlaf Gut...

Break Time

Getting bleary eyed and hungry - time to take a break from the books. This is a big assignment worth 50 points so I'm taking my time and taking notes before posting anything...then I will go back and write out the real thing...
I love watching little Susie Marie float around in her little ball!!

I did it again...

COOKED....looks like I'm making a habit of this...I made a pork chops & tater tots brunch for Debra and I so she would eat something before work...I really worry about her, she's loosing more weight :/ She see's her Gastro dr this week for a follow-up from her colonoscopy.
Anyway, enough about her....it's "All about me, it's all about I" - lol - but now I don't feel like typing anymore so off to do homework.....

AAARRRGGHHH!!!

I really wanted to sleep more than another 2 hours!! But body had to pee and brain wouldn't shut off!! Things running thru brain that wouldn't let me sleep;
* making muffins, or something, with these wonderful but small hard pears from tina's house
* the friggin' sun being up already
* cleaning my room
* what new crochet projects can i start
* plus some unmentionables...

I'm off to check out what we have in the house that pears can be added to and make some C O F F E E

Sleeping is Overrated

Exhausted and asleep by 10:30pm and up at 2:15am...2 hours later I'm getting sleepy but still not ready for bed...soon tho....

It was a good day!

Took Jenn for drivers permit today, she still needs to take the drivers test but she's on her way!! Then we went to Starbucks and Goodwill...all before noon. Started crocheting a hat for Nikola (or whoever it winds up fitting) and bought a big bag of yarn from goodwill for $9.
Then I did my usual...just laid around the house...now Debra is about to be home and I want to make dinner...pork steaks & tater tots...yum...

Welcome All...

We'll see how long this lasts...anyone that knows me knows that I like to start things and not finish ;)
My purpose for this is to show off what I'm working on craft-wise, and I guess whatever else suits my fancy of the moment. Hope it suits your fancy too.

...sue