I quit quitting...

The cigarettes are back...for now...it just got too hard and I got too weak and caved :p I lasted 12 days this time...maybe next time will be longer.
The rest of the week was fair...got in trouble at work a few times, Ashley and I tend to butt heads from time-to-time. She is totally OCD and can't stand it when someone messes w/ her stuff, so what do I do??? That's right, I messed w/ her stuff! All with good intentions towards getting our work done efficiently but it still blew up...life goes on - and on - and on!!
Debra and I saw something on tv the other day that brought up the conversation to living to 100...I'll tell you what I told her....If I'm still around at 80, it won't be much longer!! I DO NOT WANT TO STICK AROUND THAT LONG!!!!
TTFN

I was weak tonight :/

had 1 cigarette....but it was gooood!!!

other than that doing okay...as usual, wondering where all the money goes...
not wanting to do homework...
been kinda restless the past 2 nights...
that's all for now....schlaf gut

Sunday

I've been feeling pretty crappy most of the day...emotionally as well as physically...I feel the mental turmoil lifting some. What turmoil you ask? I ask the same thing! Been smoke-free for 8 days now and still feel like shit. My next task is to lose 50 lbs (or more), but all I want to do eat! It started out as a substitute for sex, now I've added cigarette-deprivation to the mix and it's even worse! The funny thing is...I have not bled now for almost a month and finally feel like I could have sex but my self-esteem has crumpled to a tiny little pebble in the gutter, I don't even want to be seen in public. I am confident that things will get better after my surgery but it seems so far away, though it's really pretty close (09.09.08).

I'm just a crazy person, going thru a crazy time, in a crazy world

This says it all...

Friday...

was a pretty good day.
Went to the Dr for a stress test that wasn't as bad as thought it would be, just a lot of waiting (part of the stress?). Will have results mid-end next week. Got results of my bloodwork, hemoglobin at 14 (not anemic!), sugar a little high at 104 (?), thyroid's good, cholesterol high at 236 (he said we'll work on that after surgery, I agree!).
Got my homework done. Found out I will be doing MORE writing next quarter - essay & critical thinking :p
Hung out w/ the kids last night. Was concerned about smoking but I really didn't feel the NEED, thought about having one or just a drag but even that wasn't strong enough. So I remain smoke-free :)
I'm going thru some emotional changes that I don't know how to verbalize yet, though I really think I need to. Feeling old and neutered, like the joy I had in living has fizzled and now I'm just an observer w/ memories of the fun it was...she says as the tears roll down her face :/
Well, that's all I can handle for now...I will go take my position on the couch for the next few hours or so.....

Back to the Doctor....

Was supposed to be just a quick b/p check and refill my pills for another 6 months....yes, my b/p has been high even on the pills...and yes, my feet have been swelling a lot lately....and yes, I am having major surgery soon....so what does he do???? and simple little EKG, which has a little blip that may or may not be something....so back the Dr Friday afternoon for a Nuclear Medicine Stress Exam...where they will inject me w/ dye that will make my heart glow in the dark before i start the treadmill and after i collapse on the treadmill....all w/o eating or drinking anything for 6 hours prior (scheduled for 12:30p.m.)!!??

Other than that I'm pretty good I guess, still not smoking...yeah me ;)
Ignoring a new toothache.
Wondering why I'm bothering w/ OKcupid dating site....I've chatted w/ one guy a little, but i don't really have the energy to be all cute & perky ;p
I don't have homework...I'm heading for the TV and some vege-time....

no cares...no woes...FREEEEEEE

AAARRRGGGHHH

Withdrawals are hitting....I want a cigarette....but I DON'T want a cigarette more!!! Feeling a bit tense and uptight, ready to bite someones head off if they're not careful. I may just stay in my room tonight to keep Debra and Cedar safe!!

Now I have to do my stupid homework!! Recall a situation in which someone was trying to persuade you. How effective was the argument? What could have made the argument more persuasive?.....ha....I can't post it here or in class...and it didn't take much persuading!!!

And I wanted to add a pic to this and my @&#*&^ computer keeps freezing....

Okay...that's enough complaining for one night....till we meet again :)

OOPS...Missed Posting Yesterday :-o

It was pretty uneventful for a Monday. Was not on the computer at all last night...pretty crazy!! Just watched tv with Debra til midnight and went to bed...and up before 6 :-/ I WANT TO SLEEP-IN LIKE "NORMAL" PEOPLE!!!!!

K-kids back from their world tour...

I'm happy to say they didn't change as much as I thought they might. Mina's hair is a little lighter and skin a little darker but the same wonderful feisty girl that left her 2 months ago. Nikola is wanting to sit up on his own more and almost rolling over when laying on his back.

Tina, Mina, & Nikola were baptised and Tina & Ivan renewed their wedding vows in the family's church (Orthodox Christian). Their pics should be posted pretty soon too, I think I saw Ivan working on them when I left there today.

I've been really blah and very lethargic since yesterday...lack of nicotine? poor diet? had to stop new meds? or just lazy....take your pic. But no cigarettes since 11a.m. yesterday, would probably have one if I had them but the urge/desire isn't that strong, I just want one.

Okay...off to do homework....have a pleasant evening, everyone :)

They're home safe and sound!!!!

Tina finally called at 8:40 last night, they just walked in the door, the kids were fast asleep and they were exhausted! So I am now waiting for a call that they are up and about and I will grab my camera and go see my babies!!!!!

Yes...I'm depressed...

and being treated for it....but right now I'm down because i don't know what's happening w/ the K's...haven't heard from them, don't know what flight or airline they may be coming in on, who is picking them up at the airport or Marta...but i am happy that i was able to pick up a few things for them to snack on when they get home so they don't have to make any more stops....I'm sure they will be very tired.....

MY BABIES COME HOME TODAY!!!!!!

Yes, I'm a bit excited!!!!! And here is my Horoscope from Sylvia for today:

Horoscope - Virgo
Saturday August 02, 2008
Family and relationships will be what matters to you today as you will find the need to spend some quality time with your nearest and dearest. This could be because you don't get the praise you feel you deserve from elsewhere. Don't worry though, because your efforts will be recognized soon enough.

I don't know about the praise part, but it's probably true....will chat more later.....

I'm Tire of Writing!!!

My brain hurts from trying to come up with all this smart homework stuff all the time. Two classes of writing and how-to write :-p It's break time before I tackle the next one....

Horror-scope

This one's a bit scary....

Horoscope - Virgo
Friday August 01, 2008
You will probably feel sensitive but happy today. Usually you are fairly balanced when it comes to relationships, however, today your strong feelings of romance and your intentions towards a certain someone means that you'll be inclined to view the world through pink specs!

It's Done!!

I'm happy with the results and glad to be finished!! But I may start doing some squares of my own to work on during breaks at work.

I didn't take any cigs w/ me for break yesterday and was so antsy I helped my break-mate, Mike, finish off a box of whoppers! I only had 3 cigarettes from morning till I got home from work...then I got on the computer...4 more and 1/3 bag of baby carrots :P I left myself 6 for today...will let you know how that goes...

Not doing well...

with this crochet deadline! I just have a small section to finish and it needs to get in the mail asap but I'm having so much trouble getting it done!! I think because I'm bored with it...just a combo of single/double crochet....but I can do it and will do it.
Only had 11 cigs yesterday...but feeling weak this morning....we'll see....and I'm getting sleepy, been up since 5ish....

happy wednesday....

mp3-challenged :-o

I can never work these damn things!!!! It looks like it should be sooooo easy....but noooooo, not for suuuueeee :p :o #&(*&^% & %**()((

Other than this frustration that I've been fighting w/ instead of doing homework...and the fact that I had to wear my slippers to work because my feet were too swollen to put my shoes on (yes, i have a dr appt next wed), and i feel like general crap....i've had a pretty decent day....whose complaining?!

3 days to go....

MONDAY monday

first...my personality test on youniverse was right on!!

now...my monday was really okay...the worst part were the damn phones at work wouldn't stop ringing :o but brenda brought in a delicious homemade cherry/apple coffee cake, she's always baking something...yummmm

this is the first i've been on the computer this evening, so i'm going to get off now since i need some "down-time" before going to bed....schlaf gut all